hanna birke

a last post

i've decided to close this blog.  keeping it has been a wonderful experience for me.

at the moment i can't keep up with all the things i want to in life so i've found myself giving away or pairing back the things i'm not using.

i'm still knitting - although very slowly.  i started a navy tweed sweater for myself but have interrupted this project to make a pair of socks for my husband.  i'll still post completed knitting on Ravelry of course and on Flickr.  this blog will evaporate in the next few weeks.  

i want to extend warm thanks to everyone who has visited here and read and left comments.  you've all been very kind.  may you be well.  

Sound of Waves shawl finished

yesterday i finished the Sound of Waves shawl for my mother.

it feels airy and soft but also warm - like a cloud.  the perfect shawl or wrap for keeping my mother's shoulders warm as she reads in bed at night.  the yarn is one strand of Spun Silk 20/2 from Catnip Yarns held together with one strand of Habu Textiles fine merino.  

 

there were a few times when i lost my way with this shawl - you can see one of the pattern repeats is heading off in the wrong direction.  i feel bad about not doing the pattern justice in this section but my mother won't mind and i just didn't have the stamina to start this one 3 times.  

i want to thank everyone for the comments on the photographs in the last post.  i forget to talk about how beautiful it is here.  i should take more photographs of here.  perhaps in the spring. 

sometimes i do end-of-year-posts and talk about my hopes for the new year.  at the moment i feel short of words and plans.  mostly i'm happy to have made it through this year.  i'm also happy to have a few days off to catch my breath. 

my only thought for the new year and creativity is that i'd like to be more experimental this year.  

wishing you all a happy new year and many hours of inspiration and creating in the months to come.  

miura cowl finished

last week i finished the Miura Cowl.

i cast on 133 stitches for 7 pattern repeats.  i like a longer, narrower cowl so could have cast on for 6 pattern repeats instead.

it's been a long time since i've posted a modeled shot - honestly these modeled shots are not my favorite.  i miss the younger, more rested, less stressed me ... but then most of us probably feel this way.  so here's the modeled shot.

happy as i am with this cowl i'm rethinking fiber choices in this milder, damp climate.  i find the merino that i loved in Alberta feels itchy here.  cashmere seems to handle the moisture better.  i'm also looking at cotton, rami, linen and hemp with renewed interest.  

but before i cast on for anything else i must finish the Sound of Waves shawl for my mother.  

will leave you with 2 inspiration links - this one for a great cowl and this one for some endearing sweater mending.  

 

 

 

this is a small section of the road i drive to work.

the drive takes 45 minutes each way and a good portion of the road is like this.  on the way i'll climb one mountain pass and go by 5 lakes.  for part of the drive there is no cell phone service and limited radio reception.  in the summer someone drove off the road every few weeks.  now when i make the drive home it's dark and in the morning it's sometimes icy.  

i'll admit i was daunted by the thought of driving this road 5 days a week when i first started my new job.  

no amount of positive thinking is going to make this drive any shorter or less worrisome.  

but i've also come to see how i manage my mind during this drive does make a difference.  1.5 hours a day is a lot of time to drive and think.  i can use the thinking time to polish up and add strength and solidity to worries and hurts or i can turn my mind away from this stuff and toward pleasant memories, things that are going well, or positive wishes for others.

it was at about this corner a few weeks ago that i remembered a visit with a friend who was soon to be told she was terminally ill.  of course neither she nor i knew this at the time.  i was on my way through her town and as always she offered me a comfortable bed in her guest room and a warm breakfast before i headed out the next morning.  when i arrived she was watching a travel show on New Zealand and we watched it together talking afterward about her own trip to New Zealand.  it was a simple time but filled with warmth and now this evening, the last i was able to spend with her, is a fond memory.

this week i traveled 3 hours south for work training.  for a day i got to sit in a room with 45 other women who do the same kind of work i do.  a large circle of women working to help other women and it was uplifting to be in their midst.  the workshop facilitator was Vikki Reynolds and she spoke about bringing Revolutionary Love or Therapeutic Love to our work with clients.  even though i've long believed this work is about love, not romantic love but a different kind of love, i don't think i've ever heard anyone acknowledge this.  

another sweet moment this week included more birds - mergansers this time - i was at the shore for a few minutes in the early morning and the sun was shining.  i saw 16 mergansers running back and forth on the water.  they would run on top of the water for about 15 feet and then turn sharply around and run back again.  i've read that running on the water is courtship behavior for shore birds but i assumed this was the wrong time of year for courtship.  i asked my mother about it this morning and she says male and female mergansers often inhabit separate areas in the summers and return to courting each other in the fall.  

now knitting talk:  when i restarted the Sound of Waves wrap for my mother i went up a needle size and i think it's turning out better.  

 

i also started a Miura Cowl for myself with some bits of favorite leftover yarns.  the light tan is a merino dyed with cutch, the darker tan is some Blue Sky Alpaca and the very pale pink is some milk fiber dyed with a weak cochineal bath.  the gentle folds in this pattern make it fun to knit.

 

 

starting again

developed the 3rd roll with the Zero Image pinhole camera yesterday.  

this is an intentional double exposure with also a frame overlap.  

i feel like every new camera i've had required bags of learning before there is much competency with it - and the Zero Image  pinhole is no exception.  with other cameras it's just taken keeping at it and i hope it will be the same with this one. 

my POSITIVITY book has been lent out so i can't quote directly from it but i believe Barbara L. Fredrickson says spending time outside in the spring and early summer boosts our mood and going outside to places where we can see for a long way has the effect of opening our minds and helping us think more creatively.  we are of course heading in to winter - not summer - but still i love being outside.

i have a mental list of open spaces around here and most lunch hours i try to get to one of these places even for a few minutes.  one day last week i went to an estuary near work at lunch.  i saw crows, an eagle and a flock of small brown birds.  i love watching a flock take off together and swirl around before they land somewhere else.  i also love this estuary spot and i expected to feel a bit lighter by the time i left and probably i did but the real visual treat that lunch hour was found when i returned to work.  i parked my truck in the work parking lot and looked up to see a maple tree i hadn't noticed before - about 80% of the leaves had already fallen off.  there was a slight breeze and the remaining burnt orange leaves were dangling from the tree like earrings or ornaments in motion.  the movement was amusing, beautiful, memorable.  i sat and watched it for a while and even though i didn't write this moment down until now it stands out as one of the most satisfying moments of last week.  

 i've finally gotten my drawing pencils out again.  a big drawing on the wall feels too ambitious right now but i've set up a drawing table and there's a small sketchbook on it.  small pages feel right.  in the past i've mostly drawn from images or objects but now i've set myself a little assignment to draw from inside so i've been doing tiny simple sketches with lots of cross hatching.  i've long admired the work of Agnes Martin - of course these are no Agnes Martins but it's nice to liberate myself from the expectation of making a drawing that looks like something.  

and in knitting news i'm going to rip out what i've got done on the Sound of Waves wrap for my mother and start again.  i'm about 6 inches into this wrap and there are way too many mistakes in it.  my mother has a high tolerance for mistakes in knitting but there are too many for me - so it's back to the beginning with this one.  that's okay.

on the subject of knitting, my mother loves the swatch for the Sound of Waves wrap by Kieran Foley so i've cast this on.  the rows are 327 stitches long and i'm a slow knitter so a row can take me half an hour.  when i slow my mind down i find knitting long rows relaxing, it's a matter of slowing down inside though.

i've put the idea of an Inspira cowl back on the shelf because i don't have enough of the yarns i want to use to make a full-sized Inspira cowl.  also i'm still sorting out what the winter climate here requires.  i'll need warm things of course but not clothing heavy enough for -30 C weather.  a stranded cowl in worsted weight might only be needed a few days a year here.  so i'm floating a few other cowl ideas around my head.  

the week started with 2 days of suicide intervention training.  important training but not the happiest topic.  by tuesday evening i was tired and discouraged.  when 4:55pm Friday rolled around i was finishing up my session notes and looking forward calling it a week.  then the phone rang and my supervisor asked me to speak with a woman in distress.  i'd never spoken to her before but it was clear she was embarrassed about about calling so late in the day, she was hard to keep on the phone at first, saying she was sorry to be so needy.  i reassured her that a few minutes on the phone was a small inconvenience and that i'd rather talk with her than have her hang up still crying.  besides i find needy women who can use that word and acknowledge their neediness refreshing.

a few more minutes on the phone and it was clear i was speaking with a well-educated and professional woman, a peer or perhaps someone with her life more together than mine.  she was having trouble in with her teenage daughter and she relayed the details of an argument they'd just had.  i listened and when she asked for advice i said simply that i'd have approached the situation the same way she did.  

she sighed and said yes that's the same thing my friends would say.  we talked a bit more and then she said well that was my last 10 minutes before i called you - what was your 10 minutes like before i called? 

without thinking about it i told her i was looking at the time and feeling relieved no one had called the crisis line yet and perhaps i would be able to go home on time.  i think my honesty surprised both of us and we ended up laughing and laughing.  it was good to hear her laughing.

we spoke a bit more about the impossibility of parenting well and staying sanely married and ways to create more harmony in a home and then we laughed some more.  after half an hour she said well you haven't solved any of my problems but you've made me laugh. she thanked me and we wished each other a good weekend and then i drove home - much happier than i'd been at the beginning of the week.  

i think i said this before but Ariel Gore, author of Bluebird: Women and the New Psychology of Happiness, says when we start writing down what makes us happy we might find the things that make us happy surprise us.  

this photograph was taken on Wednesday morning - my neighbor who works on the waterfront asked me for a ride to work and i grabbed this quickly when i dropped her off.  it's the only photograph i took all week that i like.  i was convinced i didn't have time this week for the film cameras and so i took the digital and was frustrated with most of the digital shots.  if i'm going to take photographs again i need to find time for film.

knitting next

i had and idea for a sweater for myself and made a few swatches but nothing felt right so i've abandoned this idea.  

part of the problem with knitting much for myself is this is my first winter in 14 years on the west coast and i'm not quite sure what kinds of knits i'll need.  it's probably better to get through this winter with the sweaters i have before making more.

my mother would like a wrap to keep her shoulders warm when she reads at night.  we've settled on Sound of Waves by Kieran Foley (knit/lab).  

above is the swatch using 1 strand of spun silk from Catnip Yarns and 1 strand of Habu merino.  my mother isn't a big fan of wool so i may cast on with just the spun silk.  she's coming for a visit this evening and i'm excited about showing her the swatch and hearing what she thinks.  

this lace pattern isn't hard but when i've got lace on the needles i also like to have something else going just in case i'm not in the mood for lace knitting.  the Inspira Cowl by Celery Stalks has been on my list since last spring and this week i swatched for the Steampunk version with a natural dyed fingering merino and some dark KnitPics heather.  wow - i had not expected these two to look so masculine together.  perfect for a man's scarf but not what i want in cowl.

i was about to give up on the Inspira idea and move on to something else but i dug through my yarn one more time and came up with another yarn combination.  i can't get the colors right on my monitor -the deep orange is way too red in the photograph - and the tan is more subtle in person. i may nix the orange anyway but i like the other yarns together.

on friday night i watched part of a movie that spoofed the new positive psychology and that made me really not want to write about 'happy moments' or positive things.  i'm self-conscious about looking half-baked.  in truth i'd like to find a way to write more about what it's like to be a therapist - i have a lot of amazing moments with people - but of course there are confidentiality issues.  i'm going to think about this more - maybe research it a bit because i know some people in my profession do write about their work. 

as hoped, i got a roll of film taken and developed.  i used my Zero Image pinhole camera which i've only used once before.  i need to work with this camera some more to get a better sense of lens range.  and i also need to be more careful with camera shake during the longer exposures.  still i shot a roll of film and dug out my developing equipment and that in itself is progress. 

 

 

 

socks finished

this week i finished the Riff socks i started last spring for my husband.  they're already in use and he says he likes them.  half way through knitting these i read that knitting socks at a tighter gauge helps them last longer so i went down a few needle sizes for the second sock.  i'll report back and let you know if the tighter gauge sock holds out longer until it's mending time.  

 tomorrow i'll package up the sweater for my daughter and mail it off to her - along with some lavender i grew this summer.  if time permits i'll also swatch for the next knit - more about this next time i post.

one of the things i've found with writing down the happy moments is that patterns emerge -  a lot of the happy moments involve water and/or birds.  

here's a moment from last thursday morning when i stopped by the beach before going in to work.

"the sun is coming up and the tide is out.  i follow the path down to the beach, over some logs and on to the smooth beach stones to stand still half way between the tide edge and the logs.  it's cool and a bit windy.  gulls and crows fly over to me and because of the wind hover for a few seconds over my shoulder.  they feel quite close, not quite close enough to touch but close enough that i have a strong sense of their presence.  probably they've come to see if i have food for them and i don't.  but i also feel welcomed back to the beach by these birds."

last weekend we went down island to visit my mother and also to hang out in the bookstores.  i bought THE UNFOLDING NOW by A. H. Almaas.  it wasn't a book i went in looking for but i've read and enjoyed one of his other books.  the first chapter is called Loving The Real - and the chapter title alone sold me on the book.

here's a quote from the first chapter.

"Reality is not what is usually reflected in our minds.  Reality is much cleaner and simpler, and in comparison to the noisy world of our usual inner experience, so much more settled and at ease."

the photograph above was taken 2 weeks ago with a plastic disposable camera.  on my lunch break i try to walk down to the water even when it's raining - as it is here.  i'm 2.5 hours from a photo lab - so if i want to use film cameras i either have to develop my own film or save up exposed rolls of film and get them developed when i go down island every few months.  my plan is to unpack my Zero F pinhole camera tomorrow and load it with a roll of film.  and then order some more color developing chemicals and do the developing myself.  wish me luck.

almost finished

i say almost because i'm only half done the belt for this adaptation of a Shiri Mori sweater for my daughter.

i hope she'll like the sweater.  because i'd changed the stitch patterns and a bit of the shape i had my doubts about whether i could pull this one off.  but it looks nice and it feels a warm hug when it's on so i'm calling it a success.

here's a photo showing some of stitch details.  the sweater called for 5 different stitch patterns.  i was worried with all those stitch patterns that the sweater would end up looking a bit busy but the seed stitch i added for the collar seems to calm the whole thing down.

now i'm keen to knit something for myself but i'm not sure what.  i've been rummaging through my yarn and swatching ... nothing is feeling quite right yet.  

a commenter on my last post asked how the move went and how life is here. 

i had a feeling things would be challenging here and for the first few months i ended up in tears at some point each day.  the frustrations pushed me to reexamine some of my early training and also to take a closer look at the new Positive Psychology.  in the last 3 months i've read LEARNED OPTIMISM by Martin Seligman, POSITIVITY by Barbara L. Fredrickson and BLUEBIRD by Ariel Gore.  i've also been re-reading my books by Sakyong Mipham (TURNING THE MIND IN TO AN ALLY and RULING YOUR WORLD).  i haven't returned to serious photography and i hadn't done much drawing.    

i did start keeping a handwritten journal again though and this week i read an interview with the artist Richard Serra in which refers to handwriting as a form of drawing. it was nice to think that the act of forming letters and words in a journal could be seen as expression.

i think it was in one of my Sakyong Mipham books that i read - 'there will always be something to complain about'.  this hit me hard.  i think i've complained too much in life and i'd like to see if i can gently nudge my thinking in a more positive direction.

in preparing to write her book BLUEBIRD Ariel Gore asked 10o women to write down each day the moments in which they were the happiest.  i've started doing this - not every day - but a few times a week.  this blog doesn't get used enough by me and i'd like to reclaim this space to record some of those happy moments as well as some of my thinking as i continue to try to build a more positive outlook.

here's a moment of happiness i recorded in my journal a week ago.  

"Today I walked a 10 year old boy home from my office.  He was in a good mood because he had a new toy and new boots and enough to eat that morning.  It had been storming for 2 days and there were puddles in front of his building.  He was splashing in the puddles and enjoying his new boots.  At first I was avoiding his splashes, trying not to get my shoes and jeans wet but then I decided to splash too.  It was fun.  And fun to do it together.  I felt free, like I was really letting loose.  The splashing got us both laughing and as we walked toward the building I thought gosh I've been so heavy lately, I'd like to lighten up, maybe I don't have to hold on to my responsibilities quite so tightly."

 

update

i'm in the midst of some changes but knitting is still happening.  right now mostly gift knitting.  still fulfilling promises - although i have tons of ideas for things i'd like to knit myself.  soon ...

at the moment i'm working on an adaptation of a Shiri Mor sweater from Vogue Knitting Winter 09/10 for my daughter.  she asked for pink sweater so i dyed some organic wool with the ever-easy and reliable cochineal.

i've used the word adaptation because my daughter wants a longer back on the sweater and also because i've substituted cables for the main stitch pattern that Shiri Mor used.

this is my first time using organic wool and i'm pleased to stay it's really soft but it also feels like it has substance.

also on the needles are another pair of socks for my husband who badly needs another pair.  the speed at which his and my mother's socks wear out has me switching to sock yarn with 25% nylon.  it's not nearly as soft as 100% wool but i'm hoping the socks will last longer.  

here's a detail photo of the first sock.  it's the Riff pattern from Knitty.  don't look too close though okay - so many mistakes!  my knitting concentration hasn't been what it should be lately.  the yarn is Cascades Heritage.  after knitting the first sock i did a search for long lasting sock yarns and found out most sock knitters concerned about wear suggested knitting with a tight gauge.  they said their socks last much longer this way.  i'm knitting the second sock a size up but with much smaller needles.  have you tried knitting socks with a tighter gauge and have they lasted longer?  or do you have a long-wearing sock yarn you recommend?

part of what's had me distracted lately is that after a dozen years here in southern Alberta i'm moving out of Alberta and back to British Columbia.  i've been offered a job on the north end of Vancouver Island in the village of Port Hardy.  i finish my old job in a week and start my new job in two weeks.  so i've been busy packing up boxes once again.  i've moved a lot in my life and it seems every time i move it's an introspective time with lots of memories and conflicting feelings rising to the surface.  

i have a feeling my new job will be rather intense.  i'll also commute over 12 hours a week - so free time will have a bite taken out of it.  i plan to keep knitting of course - but i've put away most of my cameras for now.  film photography takes time that i don't think i'll have for a while.  

it feels important to have a variety of creative outlets though so i've gone back to drawing - it's easier to squeeze some drawing in with a few minutes here and there.  lately i've been working on long multi-week drawings - i'll post a poor quality 'in-progress' photo below.  at the moment i'm just drawing for myself and they're a mix of random mark-making and more carefully rendered images from source material.  i tape pieces of 24 x 36 inch paper to the wall and add more sheets as i like.  i can't say exactly what the drawings mean - they look narrative and yet not at the same time.  anyway for the moment they're satisfying to do and i hope i can keep them up.